Our Story

How Annika and Dakota Met

Dakota and Annika met on their first day of orientation at Macalester College. Both had the (mis)fortune to take part in a unique class on "Anthropology through Science Fiction," in which they endeavored to read sci-fi novels as "thought experiments" and to decipher the underlying social commentary (which was about as much fun as it sounds). To encourage the members of this class to build camaraderie all 15 students were placed in close proximity in a single dorm, and over the course of their first year the pair gradually grew to understand and respect each other. In spite of his foibles, Annika was attracted to Dakota's "wit and charisma"; Dakota felt a connection to Annika that he didn't comprehend, and felt himself repeatedly drawn into conversation with her by "secret gravitational forces." Both made a project of cultivating the other, probing their values, learning about their history, and toying with the idea of building a future together.

By and by, they found themselves losing sleep sharing their stories, and in spite of themselves they became best friends, moved in together, travelled across the world to be together, and decided that for better or worse there's no one else they would rather spend their lives growing together with. A relationship, like any journey, is hard work -- one foot in front of the other. But whether or not it seems like work depends largely on how you make this journey, where you're headed, and who you travel with. Annika and Dakota celebrated their fifth anniversary of dating in September, 2011, and on November 11th, Dakota not-so-casually suggested that the time was right to make it clear to others what they have both known with increasing confidence over many months and years: there's literally nothing better than waking up next to your best friend every morning.

How He Proposed (A Conversation)

Dakota says, "I'd been surreptitiously shaving money off of my paychecks for over a year, saving up to buy a ring. I knew that I wanted to propose, but was nervous since Annika and I always make big decisions like this together. Ultimately, it became clear to me that I wanted to spend my life making her happy, and so I figured it didn't hurt to ask."

Annika says, "I was absolutely shocked when he got on one knee. I had essentially decided never to get married, as it seemed illogical for us to support this kind of religious institution, and it was hard to get excited about the idea of tacitly accepting our 'straight privilege' by taking advantage of a discriminatory societal practice."

Dakota says, "We had gone back and forth about marriage a lot over the years, and we both felt that the important thing was the commitment we had already made to each other. We didn't need society's stamp of approval to live our life together. Nevertheless, there were compelling reasons to consider marriage: property ownership, shared insurance, tax benefits. But the thing that really tipped the balance was that we both wanted to have the same last name as each other, and we wanted to share this last name with any children we have in the (distant) future."

Annika says, "I had a week left student teaching for my master's coursework, so my head was buzzing with all of the things I still had left to do. Dakota took me to the Sunken Garden in the Como Zoo Conservatory. There was a couple sitting at the benches behind the fountain figurine when we came through the first time, and the beds were filled with lovely fall flowers and plants. We made our usual circuit through the Conservatory and I started to get suspicious when Dakota insisted we give the Sunken Garden another look."

Dakota says, "I had set 11/11/11 -- the 'one-est' day of the century -- as the day to propose because I thought it would be useful to have an arbitrary deadline to discourage me from chickening out. Annika's really not the type to relish attention in public, and when I first started to tell her why I thought we should get married, my voice must have been a bit too loud and she tried to hush me. She was flabbergasted when I got on one knee and fished around for the ring, and speechless when I actually showed it to her."

Annika says, "I guess I forgot to talk for a little while. Maybe a long while. There was a rush of excitement and panic as we tried to figure out how we would celebrate. We quickly decided on something small and simple, and that we wanted to give a small group of our friends and family a lovely dinner out. We felt that people might be confused if we both randomly decided to change our names to "Reier," and so we wanted to have some sort of small gathering to mark the change."

Dakota says, "I guess I'd always pictured eloping. It didn't occur to me that, sometimes, after proposing, you then have to get married too. We both agreed that we want our anniversaries to stand out as a warm, cozy spot, a relief during the darkest, coldest days of the Winter. I think we would both change a lot about the proposal, looking back. But I think the time was right for us to get married, and there's one thing that I could never change about the proposal."

Annika says, "If you say 'me,' I'm going to pinch you."

Dakota says, "Yep: You. That's it. Ow!"

Annika says, "What a sap. That's my sap."

Why "Reier"?

Even before we began considering the civil process of marriage, we were confronted with the daunting prospect of what to do about names. That is, we had difficulty deciding whether to simply go with "Ryan," or to do something unusual like both keep our names, both go with "Johnson," both hyphenate our names, or something else entirely. The whole system is just a mess, and there isn't a good precedent for how to handle this kind of dilemma without conforming to the antiquated patriarchal norm.

A friend suggested that we look for a clever way to combine our names, and after exploring the gamut of awful-sounding combinations -- Ryanson, Ryson, Joran, Jayen, Ronson -- we decided to consider combining "Ryan" with Annika's mother's maiden name, "Fraser." To respect the heritage of the "Johnson" surname, we ultimately went with the Scandinavian spelling of "Reier." Pronounced "RYE - ur," not only is this novel surname a palindrome, but it also means "heron" in Dutch (and many other European languages too). As we learned more about the natural, historical, and symbolic associations that herons have, we gradually grew to love our new last name.

In his book Animal-Speak, Ted Andrews describes heron animal totems as being "self-reliant" and a "jack of all trades." This is a theme that we encountered repeatedly as we looked deeply into the nature of herons as natural beasts and cultural symbols. Herons often appear in Native American and African creation myths, as well as folklore like Aesop's Fables. Apparently, animal totems like herons -- which are not to be confused with the misnamed "totem poles" -- are natural figures that spiritually represent a group of related people such as a clan. Although neither of us are particularly "spiritual," we decided that it was important to identify the characteristics that we would like to have associated with our "clan." You don't get a lot of opportunities to change your name, and so we've sat with this decision for a long time. We are happy with the surname "Reier" not only because it incorporates something special about each of us as individuals, but also because it it uniquely reflects our shared experience, our shared values, and our "us-ness" as a couple.

The heron is part of the family of birds known as "waders." They live and feed in marshlands and in shallow waters, and are often confused with cranes and storks. In many ways, the great blue heron is the "boss bird," the king of the marshes. It is the tallest of the herons, and the most powerful in flight. It hunts with a slow, deliberate, stalking stride that seems to tell everything else to stand aside. Herons are often perceived as solemn because they can be found staring silently for hours, knee-deep in shallow water. However, the heron is a precise hunter, and after this kind of solemn, prolonged "meditation," a heron will dart its sharp beak through the placid water to spear a fish. Herons, like Reiers, also mate for life.

Other thematic associations of the "heron clan" that we repeatedly encountered in our research:

• You are happiest when you are exploring many things, learning many skills, and are often known as a "jack of all trades."
• You are not impressed with status symbols, or accumulating "things," and have no need or desire to play the game of "keeping up with the Joneses."
• You know what is best for you, and will not allow anyone else to change your path; you are strong and aggressive, determine your own course in life and rely upon yourself.
• You find a comfortable balance in the "shifting sands" of life, for you are able to see opportunity where many would not look twice.